Sep 5, 2008

Where are your manners ?

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

These days the rules for proper behavior have become so blurred that even the most basic social interactions can leave the average person bewildered about what to do. For example, when you meet someone for the first time, a handshake is usually appropriate, right? But what if the other person goes for the "fist bump" instead? Or, there's also the increasingly popular European-style double-cheek air kiss. Frankly, it's only a matter of time before we all agree to just follow the lead set by dogs and simply sniff each other's butts.

Up to now, guidance on how to navigate the troubled waters of personal dealings has been the sole province of advice columnists who are typically aging (or, in the case of Ann Landers, deceased) prudes who insist modern people continue to follow nitpicky, out-of-date rules like not wearing white shoes after Labor Day, always using the correct fork at a dinner party and never taking a cell phone call while you're delivering a eulogy.

But in today's hyper-paced, "damn the rules" culture, many of us can't be bothered to follow these anachronistic guidelines. For example, why paint yourself into a corner by R.S.V.P.-ing to a party well ahead of time when a better offer might be coming your way?

That's why I'm pleased to announce my entry into the etiquette business with this, the first installment of Mr. Manners Man, an advice column for people who understand that wanting to do the right thing sometimes takes a backseat to doing the right thing to get what you want.

OK, let's solve some problems:

Dear Mr. Manners Man: I've been seeing this guy, I'll call him "Todd," for three months now, but I just feel like it isn't going anywhere (plus I met somebody else). I was going to just stop returning Todd's calls, but then I thought that might be a little harsh. What's the protocol on breaking up these days - is it OK to just stop calling or do I owe him the courtesy of a text message?

Thumbs Poised in Thousand Oaks

Dear Thumbs: You're right to question what's appropriate for breaking it off with a guy you've been seeing for three months. The answer is that no, you can't just stop returning his calls. In fact, even in this modern age, a boyfriend of a few months is still owed the dignity of a more sensitive, personal break up than a brief text message. Post it to his MySpace page instead.

Dear Mr. Manners Man: I'm a recently divorced man trying to get back into the dating scene, but I feel lost trying to court the modern woman. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that on a date the gentleman should hold doors for the lady, pull out her chair and place both their orders with the waiter. But on a few recent dates, the ladies have seemed surprised, or even offended, by my conduct. What's a chivalrous guy to do?

Traditionalist In Truckee

Dear Traditionalist: Despite what some modern women say, they do appreciate old-fashioned chivalry. On your next date, go ahead and hold the door for the lady, pull out her chair and order for her. In fact, take it to the next level: cut up and season her food for her, and, if at any point she opens her mouth to speak, put your finger to your lips and say, "Shh, I'll do the talking for both of us."

But just to show her you're still a fully modern man, at the end of the meal, go ahead and suggest that the two of you split the bill.

Dear Mr. Manners Man: My fiance and I are getting married in a few months. Having lived together for a few years, we already have all the "stuff" we need, but we are a little strapped for cash. Instead of the traditional wedding presents, we'd like to solicit financial contributions, but some say that asking for money as a wedding gift is tacky. What do you say?

Cash Poor in Castroville

Dear Cash Poor: Sorry to tell you, but hitting up your wedding guests for money is still considered gauche, even if you do it on the sly by, say, working your request into the vows. However, the etiquette guides say nothing about other options for squeezing much-needed cash out of those in attendance. I suggest you inform your wedding guests that, as a generous gift, your close personal friend, the widow of a late Nigerian oil minister, has generously offered to share her millions with you and all your guests, but first you'll be needing all of their bank account numbers and mothers' maiden names so as to deposit the money in their accounts.

E-mail Mr. Manners Man for all the solutions (or answers, anyway) to your stickiest etiquette questions at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.