Aug 29, 2008

Back to class struggle

By Malcolm Fleschner / Humor Columnist

Hey Kids, it's me, your old pal Uncle Malcolm, here to remind you that it's that time of year again and - HEY! KIDS! UNCLE MALCOLM IS TALKING TO YOU! CAN YOU TAKE OFF THE HEADPHONES AND PUT DOWN THE XBOX 360 FOR A MINUTE? Great, thanks. I'm just here to remind you that Labor Day is almost upon us, and that can only mean one thing - it's back-to-school time! So I want to make sure you've got all your summer reading done and you're ready to get your noses back to the grindstone and - Wait, what are you kids doing? HEY! DON'T PUT YOUR HEADPHONES BACK ON WHILE UNCLE MALCOLM IS TALKING TO YOU!

Ah well, despite the kids' best efforts, there's no avoiding getting caught up in the excitement of the back-to-school season, which has a long and storied tradition in American culture. Historians tell of a bright-eyed young Abe Lincoln who tagged along with his mother to the local dry goods store every autumn to purchase a year's worth of school supplies consisting of a candle, shovel, two bags of charcoal and, of course, a new beard trimmer.

Nowadays the celebration kicks off with all the back-to-school department store displays that spring up around the first of May. Sometimes they're difficult to see, as they have to compete for window space with the Halloween and Christmas displays that also pop up around the same time. Experts now predict that if current trends continue, by the year 2020, consumers will enjoy simultaneous year-round promotions for Easter, the 4th of July, Back to School, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, in what some are already referring to as the "Grand Unified Retail Experience."

But right now, it's all about back to school. In fact, for many kids across the country the school year has already started as a number of jurisdictions have moved back the school year's start date, often to as early as mid-August. After reviewing the latest research, members of local government councils, school boards and parent groups have opted to cut short the children's summer break based on the sound educational premise that, "Nyah, nyah, you have to go to school and we don't."

For everyone else, however, the scramble is still on, either to supply our kids with back-to-school essentials like all new clothes, notebooks, pens, backpacks, Blackberries, laptops, Segway scooters and personal air ionizers or, as in my case, to explain to one's children why they won't be getting any of these things. And while my kids may not be the most fashionable or technologically advanced students on that first day of school, they will be getting a jump start on their science studies with an immeasurably valuable botany lesson from Dad about how money does not grow on trees.

I admit that as a result of my own childhood experience, much of the back-to-school hullabaloo is still lost on me. Not only did I grow up in a household headed by a single mom without much money, but perhaps worse is that my mother never watched TV. As a result she was mostly oblivious to all the exciting back-to-school savings at the mall on Garanimals clothes, Trapper Keeper binders and Dukes of Hazzard lunchboxes. Mostly at back-to-school time I felt like the only Jewish kid in the neighborhood at Christmas. Sure, I saw all the TV commercials and store displays and heard other kids excitedly talking about what they'd be "getting," but I just figured that this was one of those holidays we simply didn't celebrate in our family.

In the off chance I did mention shopping for school supplies, Mom would always note that there wasn't much point in buying me a whole new set of notebooks when the ones from the previous year still appeared to be filled with blank pages. As for attire, Mom's basic philosophy was that if she wanted to be taking me clothes shopping all the time (i.e., every year) then she wouldn't have bought me all those knee-reinforced Sears Toughskins pants four sizes too big. To this day she wonders why I didn't have more friends at school.

But the reality is that kids don't need all that junk just to start school. The sad truth is that retailers have sullied and over-commercialized back-to-school season, just like they've done to other previously hallowed occasions like Christmas, Presidents Day and, of course, Buy Some Piece of Crap For No Apparent Reason Day. Well I, for one, think it's time to return to the true meaning of "back to school" - specifically, that kids have to be out of the house for a number of hours every day, leaving Uncle Malcolm some quality time with the Xbox.


Malcolm is already taking orders for his new self-help book, "Back to School Without Bankruptcy" at Malcolm@CultureShlock.com.